A Life of Aimlessness

I’ve said a few times before on this blog that I struggle with knowing what I want to do with my life. Over the course of nearly four decades, I’ve done so many different things that most people probably wouldn’t believe it. If I recall, I covered some of that in one of my first posts, and every time I go back and recall the things I’ve experienced in my time here on Earth, I’m surprised at just how varied my experiences have been.

While this sounds like an amazing thing, it really is a double-edged sword. I struggle with the fact that I don’t have any one thing that stands out to me as something I can be passionate about. Most of the great things that I’ve experienced have actually been side effects of the various situations that I found myself in through an organic process of just moseying my way through life. Virtually nothing has been a result of me knowing where I was going or what I was doing.

Perhaps the biggest force of this was my time as a Marine musician. While music was very important to me at a young age, having spent my middle and high school years focused on being in the band, as well as spending a year pursuing a music education degree, it grew less and less important as I spent more time buried under the weight of the rigid program that is Marine Corps music. I became very disillusioned with the whole thing, yet some of the most powerful memories of my life come from that period of time. There was no willing heart in any of it; it was just something that happened to me unexpectedly.

The last eight or so years of my life have been much the same from an attitude standpoint, but the experiences haven’t surfaced as they have in the past. The unfortunate reality is that you can only act upon the opportunities that are presented to you, and when none are provided you are forced to either accept where you are or make attempts to create opportunities yourself. What do you do then if you can’t accept where you are but don’t know how to create those opportunities? Even if you did, how do you know which opportunities you want to make?

Ever since leaving military service, my dream has been to find a way to make a living for myself, not relying on others to provide me with an income that is contingent on doing whatever it is they want me to do. The problem is that I just don’t possess the imagination or creativity to figure out how to do that. Like everything else, I’m just waiting around for that spark that ignites my passion so I can jump onto something I can get excited about. I’m not very good at waiting.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to get at with this post. My life is in a place right now where I’m struggling on many fronts, from career to relationships to just finding a way to be happy with my circumstances. There are so many ideas for what I think I could do, but no apparent way to get to any of them. My mind has become locked in the rigidity I have become accustomed to, and I just don’t know how to break free from it.

So I continue to wait, hoping fruitlessly for some random thing to surface in my life that points me in a direction I can live with. That’s no way to live, but it’s all I really have. I can talk about all the different ideas that make sense to me, and the fact that I can’t reconcile them with own life doesn’t make them any less valid. It is simply a reflection of the fact that the emotional side of our being cares little for logic, preferring to just run wild with its own idea of what should be.

It just makes it so much harder.

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